WARNING this one might be sad

Hello anyone who still reads this. I am sorry that I haven't updated in a long time. I have had a lot going on in my life and in my heart these last couple of months. But I am not going to use this entry to update you all on my life since January. I wanted to share about something in the last week that has been particularly on my heart. Last week, I hit the emotional reality that my job is sad. I have dealt with sad things at my job before last week, but last week was different. On Wednesday I was with two parents during the last 30 minutes of their child's life. They helped me make footprints and through tears as the mom left the room, she told me thank you and that those footprints would be treasured forever. Wow. I had tears in my eyes and just cannot even imagine the pain and hurt that those parents are experiencing. I have been praying for them everyday. Then on Thursday, I had to tell 3 children that their baby sister was going to die, that she was sick and her body was just too tired to get better. This family has 6 girls ranging from 10 to the one year old patient. After this hard conversation, I got to take all 5 girls back to their sister's room. I had the opportunity to facilitate one last memory with their sister, and it was good. We made footprints and each of the older girls got to make 2 sets and the mom made some too. Even the little 3 year old helped. How amazing to witness 5 children gather around their sister and show real emotions and real love and be so excited about getting to make these footprints and cherish them forever. It was sad, it was hard, but it was a good day. I don't know how I am supposed to react in those situations. I don't know if I am supposed to be happy that somehow God has seen it fit to use me to help children grieve and help make their last interaction with their sister a happy one, or if I am supposed to crawl into a hole and just be sad. I left with a heavy heart that day, wondering if there was more I could have done, wondering how people are supposed to move on after loss, and wondering what I would feel the next time I walked by that room and she wasn't in there. I don't think I would trade my job for anything at this point in my life (one day motherhood will definitely be a reason to give it up!!). I just struggle with how to react, I wonder if it's okay that these families see my tears because it is impossible for me to hold them back. I get scared that this will become commonplace and that I will no longer react with sadness. I pray that the reality of these situations always hits me, and that I always see the need to pray without ceasing for these families. That is one thing that I try to do everyday when I leave the hospital, pray. I am not as good at it as I should be, but my goal is always to pray for every single patient and family I come into contact and to praise God for the stories with "happy endings". It is a constant struggle for me to know how to balance these emotions that I feel at work. Sometimes I am tempted to just turn them off and go about my day as normal when I get home, but I don't know if that's healthy. Other times there is just no way that I can do that, these kids and these families affect me. They are a part of my life, and I am thankful that I have people in my life that are willing to let me be sad if I need to be, and are willing to listen and to dry my tears as I figure out how to balance it all.

I am sorry for the sad post, if you have read this far, please don't let it make you sad, but let it resonate in you to pray for the two families that I mentioned above.